I would like to take this opportunity to cordially thank you for bringing the dream of The Embassy into reality. Allow me to explain: Yes, it is true that when Sergeant Smith (that gorgeous young sergeant in charge of NOPD Gun Buybacks as well as -hallelujah!- Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual + Transgender issues) suggested I give the remainder of our gun buyback funds to your gun buyback, I paused. I explained to him that relations between us weren't exactly sunny (though not outright bad either), and that you liked the idea of keeping our buybacks separate. To all of this the sergeant replied: Y'all please keep on fighting cause everybody's gonna win!
It was at this moment that I had the revelation (well, that's not true, I actually had it in a different bar the week before, but at this moment it became very clear). You know how much I love turning shit into gold? Well, you might not because we’re not super close, but anyway, I do. The amazing thing about it is that it's usually no more than a shift of perspective; re-frame reality and there it is: Gold! It was this magical transformation that allowed me to realize that your gun buyback is a wonderful miracle!
The week before I learned of your buyback, I was pondering The Embassy’s. What is beautiful about it, I thought, besides that it takes place in the 8th Ward, is that it circumvents the 2nd Amendment problem entirely. All those freaky gun hoarders (of which I am one, if only in fantasy, thanks to the anti-government, libertarian, acid-loving mentors of my twenties) can't really say anything about it. By offering private money we utilize free enterprise to create gun control.
As you will appreciate, the problem with my model was that unlike real free enterprise, it lacked an essential ingredient: competition. My husband was in fact making fun of how useless my free market gun control model was. And I had to admit it was flawed- I mean, who would actually want to pay money to compete on a gun buyback? It's not like people are lining up.
Then viola! You came along! Free Market Gun Control, the most unlikely of public safety models, has thanks to you, been realized. It is a breakthrough towards peace that is truly golden. So it is with an open heart that I ask you to please come toast our mutual work at your friendly competing buyback block party (with lavender cocktails). Here is to 2nd amendment friendly gun control! Thank you again.